all about that kink

All About That Kink – Approaching Your Lover about BDSM Play

Has the book or the movie Fifty Shades of Gray gotten you a little overheated and curious about BDSM play?

You’re not alone, girl!

I’m sure by now you’ve at least Googled what BDSM is (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sado-masochism). But reading about it isn’t enough, am I right?

Being Dominant with your lover is a lot easier to approach than asking your lover dominate you. You want to try it, but you’re not sure how to approach your lover about your kinky submissive desires.

No worries girlfriend, I’ve got you covered!

All About that Kink

Knowledge is power, I’m sure you’ve heard that saying a time or two before. If you’ve read the Fifty Shades book series or other erotica, do me a favor and forget what you read about BDSM.

That’s right, forget it. It is all sugar coated fiction. It’s time for some facts.

BDSM sometimes starts out as kinky play in the bedroom, but it can expand into another world of possibilities. This type of kinky play can be as fun as the erotica you might have read or seen – and it should always be fun because what’s the point if you’re not having fun?

If you haven’t Googled BDSM, spend a little time and do some research on it. You’ll have to weed through the good and bad information out there, but at least you’ll get a good base knowledge. Write down things you want to try with your lover. You might even brainstorm on some of your own scenarios this way!

Kinky Communication

If you’re in a relationship with someone, chances are you got that way by communicating. Bringing up the topic of BDSM desires isn’t much different. Don’t feel awkward or ashamed of having these desires inside, it is perfectly normal to want to experiment and try something new (and kinky) like BDSM.

You might want to start the conversation off with something subtle, yet to the point like, “Hey hon, have you seen the previews for that movie Fifty Shades?” You never know, he could be feeling the need to experiment as well. This usually opens the door to the conversation.

Pillow talk is a great time to bring up the topic of fantasies as well. Get sexy with talking about your kinky desires as they relate to BDSM. The more you’re turned on to a new idea, the more he will be open to it. In his mind, if you’re this turned on by talking about the idea, just imagine how explosive the time will be actually living it out!

Hint Hint Nudge Nudge

After you’ve talked about introducing BDSM into your bedroom, it might seem like he’s dropped the proverbial ball with the topic. If this happens, try leaving him subtle, yet kinky hints.

Leave a book of erotica out with a bookmark in a really juicy BDSM part. When you’re not looking he might pick it up and see just what it is you’re reading.

When you know he’s around, bring up a lingerie website with BDSM toys (every site out there is capitalizing on the Fifty Shades phenomena, it will be hard to NOT find a site!) and make mention of the toys or better yet, just leave your browser open.

Have a kinky movie night and watch The Secretary starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. It’s a very hot, sexy and sensual movie about BDSM. You should find quite a few chances to bring up the topic during this movie, trust me!

BDSM Experimentation

Start out simple and slowly incorporate BDSM into your sexual escapades. This is the fun part where you both experiment and have fun. You might find a common ground here and discover other kinky pleasures!

You could be the naughty schoolgirl and he is the teacher displeased with your behavior. Role play is fun to try with BDSM play – after all, you are already assuming new roles. Another great idea is to act out scenes from movies or books. This could take some planning for both of you. Make it fun!

Take it outside of the bedroom and start your kinky play at a restaurant or a store, teasing each other ever so slightly. By the time you’re both alone in private, it will all climax into a sexy, kinky time.

If at First, You Don’t Succeed

Keep in mind that the first time you both try this different kind of kinky play, all may not go well. You might, in fact, feel a bit awkward, but do not let it discourage you! As with all good things, with time and practice, you’ll find your own kinky groove and what does and doesn’t work. Eventually, it will all fall into place.

If it doesn’t work out and your lover just can’t get into BDSM, you might have to suppress your kinky desires. You might find that you still have the fire inside of you to exercise these desires – then it’s time to commit it to your own “spank bank” for masturbation.

I do not support stepping outside of your relationship to quench those kinky fires. As I’m sure you know, doing so will only lead to problems.

Worst case scenario, you have to end the relationship and find someone who can fulfill those desires inside of you. Never be ashamed of who you are, and that includes your desires, no matter how kinky they might be.

Having and voicing your desires is empowering and badass! The right man will love and respect your openness and willingness to try something different and kinky in the bedroom.

Have fun and ride that submissive high!

Suggested readings on the subject of BDSM are:
Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon