It is sometimes difficult for women to have sex without feelings coming into play—it’s just how we are wired. It can be done though, even with an ex.
Yes, ladies, ex sex can work out!
I’ll admit it, I was horny and wanted to feel the touch (and a little bit more) of my ex-boyfriend again, so I decided to give ex sex a try one more time. I gave our ex sex rendezvous an imaginary run through in my mind thousands of times, making sure I would get it right—not the sex part—but the sticky part of not getting emotionally attached afterward. I was both excited and nervous, after all, the last thing I wanted was for all of those feelings to come flooding back in and overtake me.
After we had split, any subsequent sexual trysts were always at his place and turned into an overnight stay, complete with cuddling and falling asleep in each other’s embrace. I think that was the mistake that always hooked me back in.
But suddenly, when we were meeting at my place, the feelings of guilt did not sink in, and surprisingly enough neither did the “flutter-byes” (as I like to call them), those mushy feelings of love that make you crazy. As we lay in my bed, the flashbacks began, and thankfully not all good ones.
Anytime I felt something good, I replaced it with the reminder of why things didn’t work out. I also kept it in the forefront of my mind that what we were doing was having amazing sex and nothing more.
Perhaps this is the key to ex sex.
Sex with an Ex Is Just That–Sex with an Ex
Do not read anything more into the situation.
Tell yourself, “I was horny. He was horny. We got together as two consenting adults and had hot, passionate sex. It meant nothing.”
This lusty reunion doesn’t mean you’re going to hop back into a relationship with each other. It definitely doesn’t mean you’re going to pick up where you left off.
It’s. Just. Sex.
Send Residual Feelings Packing
If and when you start to feel even an inkling of affection sneaking its way in anytime during the ex sex – replace that feeling immediately with the thoughts of why you broke up in the first place.
Sometimes this train of thought brings anger, the sister feeling of love, into the room with you both. Take advantage of it. Angry sex is powerful and passionate.
Stay in the Moment
This is why you had this secret tryst in the first place—and refer back to #1.
No Pillow Talk or Cuddling
As much as you might want to—don’t. Actions like that lead to bonding with him emotionally. If you need to lie there for a moment between sessions, then keep it simple and remained focused on the sex. Afterwards, if you feel the need to talk, then talk about sports, work, or the weather.
If you find that the conversation starts to wander and the words “us” or “we”—or even worse—talks of recent relationships start to come into existence, kick him out, if for any other reason than your own sanity.
And of course, most importantly…
No Texting or Phoning Your Ex Afterwards
Texting and calling your ex for weeks after your ex sex is just being crazy. No one likes crazy. You might want to do this again, but that behavior proves you can’t handle ex sex and ruins the chance of hooking up again.
If you feel you need to say something, a simple “thanks for the meaningless sex” text right after the deed will suffice. Because let’s face it, that’s what it was—meaningless sex.
Afterwards, if you find yourself in the midst of what I like to call the “feelings backlash”, which are feelings of guilt and remorse—or even worse—when those residual feelings of love start to return, let them sit for a few seconds and then move on.
Perhaps it’s the connection you shared that’s causing these feelings to stir up. Maybe it’s the warmth of having a man naked next to you in bed.
What I’ve learned, is that these feelings really signal that you need to dig down deep inside, and find out just what it is that you’re missing in your life that leads you to this happening in the first place. For me, I didn’t want my ex back, I just wanted to feel that closeness with a man again, and ex-sex provided me with that fix I needed. There is nothing wrong with having your sexual needs met as long as you aren’t ignoring your emotional ones.
Don’t look for meaning in the ex sex time you spent together and for God’s sake, do not over think and misconstrue something that was said, or even unsaid. Overthinking is a waste of your time and energy in the void; it’s best to stay in the here and now.
Don’t rob yourself of your joy and pleasure in life.
Just remember, the decision is yours if you choose to have ex-sex; you are the only person you need to answer to at the end of the day.
You hold the power, sister. Enjoy!
