I am a fat woman.
I’ve been fat all my life it seems.
I can remember as far back as kindergarten when the doctor told my parents I was ten pounds overweight. It’s sad I was taught to hate my body at such a young and tender age by the one person who should encourage self-love – my mother. She told me I had to go on a diet and lose weight or I would never have any friends because everyone hates fat people.
I’m not looking for pity, just stating the facts.
I learned to hate my body and it really took deep root, only to blossom when I started high school. While most of my peers were freaking out if they were an ounce over 100 pounds, I was a stocky and solid 175 pounds. I graduated high school at almost 200 pounds.
Truth be told, I’d love to be as fat as I was in my late teens and early twenties, in fact, 200 is my goal weight. I’d love that twenty-something body back, but without all the mental hang-ups I had.
If you’re fat or even the least bit self-conscious about your appearance, I’m sure you know exactly what I mean by mental hang-ups, but just in case, I will elaborate.
Embarrassed and ashamed of your not-so-perfect figure, you hide it under big, baggy clothing, mostly black in color. Body-hugging clothing and revealing any skin were no-no’s, as were clothes that had any color. Why draw unnecessary attention to yourself?
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
For women with body hang-ups, shapewear becomes your best friend – and companies play into those insecurities turning your mind to think you need it. The name “shapewear” sounds non-threatening, but in reality, you’re wearing a girdle – something you swore you’d never wear because it reminds you of The Golden Girls.
Dating is fun for most girls, but for the fat and insecure girl, it can be almost nightmarish.
I don’t know about you personally, but I’ve always found myself with men who wanted the fat girl only behind closed doors, and a skinny girl on their arm in public. I allowed this because it just reinforced how hidden I should be. And ashamed.
Speaking of dating and shame, when it came to sex, it was always a horrendous worry fest for me.
Those big, baggy clothes that hid my super curvy body would have to come off eventually. The man I was with would then discover that – GASP – under those clothes, I was fat. He would see every pinchable inch, every embarrassing roll, and every flaw.
I used to practice how to lay in bed to hide my fat dimpled ass and abundantly fleshy cottage cheese thighs from his sight. Nope. It was better, I thought, to just have sex with the lights off.
Even then I’d worry about where his hands were, knowing he would still see my body, only as a blind man would. He would know I was fat. These thoughts always occupied my mind and took me out of the moment. Sadly, it also took me far and away from my own pleasure.
Yeah… I’d love my twenty-something body back, but certainly not that frame of mind!
I was in my late thirties when I finally had my awakening.
Self-loathing and I had an outrageously long and abusive affair. You cannot change anything about yourself through hatred. Only in and through love can any form of positive change take root, blossom, and bloom.
I decided to finally embrace all that I am – rolls, dimples, and cottage cheese included.
Why should I be ashamed of who I am and what I look like? Ultimately, who is the only one suffering from this? Me.
I decided I was finished with the decades of pointless self-loathing and idiotic worrying about what others thought. I was completely sick and tired of denying myself of any pleasure in life. It was time to celebrate me in all my perfectly imperfect glory.
I have been a proud and body lovin’ bombshell for over six years now.
I wear colorful body-hugging and revealing clothing on occasion. I dance when I want to, sing loudly, speak my mind and do the things that make me happy without worry about what others will think of me and my body. Most of all, I have an amazing, in the moment, passionate life.
Guess what? When a man asks me out, I’m pretty sure he already knows I am fat.
Yes, I even wear sexy lingerie and have mad, passionate sex with the lights on. I no longer give any fucks about a man seeing my glorious and fleshy cottage cheese thighs or plump and luscious ass.
With this love and confidence in myself, I find that most men revel in my delicious and curvalicious body – though I am ultra-selective these days with whom I allow to worship at the temple of my fatness.
My only regret is that I didn’t make this amazing change a lot sooner in my life.
So let me pass this bit of wisdom on to all of you fat, chubby, thin, skinny, lanky, thick, petite, tall, short, tan, pale, etc. women (and men!) out there burdened with similar self-loathing – YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING!
Being confident is a state of mind, not a clothing style or trend – it begins and ends with you!
Start rocking out and celebrating you in all your wondrous and amazing glory! Let your inner bombshell come out and play.